Wouldn’t I Notice if My Dog Peed on Me?

The date is August 4th. It’s very early in the morning (12:15 AM to be exact), so it’s really still August 3rd. We all know that the new day doesn’t start until you sleep for a substantial (or perhaps, less than substantial) period of time and then wake up again. In the case of all-nighters, I figure the new day starts at some ambiguous moment when the sun is rising and you are beginning to regret your decision to stay up all night. But I digress.

IMG_8581
Figure 1

Kenny (my sleep-deprived fiancé) has gone to bed, and I am supervising our extremely high-maintenance pup. He’s nine pounds, very needy, and the cutest dog in the world (See Figure 1). I am sitting on the couch with my laptop, scrolling through Tumblr, while Toshley plays with a toy on the ground. Then, something happens. You may be asking, what is this something? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. That’s why I am writing this blog post, to analyze the evidence, and hopefully reach a conclusion that does not involve a ghost suffering from urinary incontinence.

At 12:15 AM, I look down and the couch is covered in liquid. I’m not talking damp. I’m talking liquid. I can physically see the drops of liquid pooling on the couch. (See Figure 2). Of course, my immediate assumption is that Toshley, the aforementioned dog with a very small bladder, has peed on the couch. But that scenario doesn’t quite make sense for a variety of reasons. At this point, I will continue this investigation in list form because there are far too many clues to explicate through prose.

  1. Liquid is pooled in four different places on my couch.

    IMG_8633
    Figure 2
  2. I sniff the liquid, and it smells like pee. Either that, or my couch permanently smells like dog, and I assume that dog smell = pee smell.
  3. I am 99.99999% sure that I didn’t pee. The only other living creature in the room was Toshley.
  4. Toshley does have a very small bladder and has been known to pee inside on occasion. Also, his belly fluff was slightly damp.
  5. However, Toshley has not peed inside in months and he has NEVER peed on our couch before. (Why would he, when our carpet so closely resembles grass?)
  6. Furthermore, Toshley was on the ground, playing with his toy.
  7. Could Toshley have jumped on the couch, peed in four different places around me, and then returned to his toy? Maybe?
  8. BUT WOULDN’T I NOTICE IF MY DOG LITERALLY PEED ON ME?
  9. I think so. Despite it being 12:15 AM, I was quite alert. (Possibly because I took a four hour nap earlier in the day).
  10. Additionally, I was mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr, trying to decide whether to watch reruns of Keeping Up With the Kardashians or Say Yes to the Dress.
  11. My point being, I was not occupied in the slightest. Also, I kept glancing down at Toshley.
  12. SO WOULDN’T I NOTICE IF MY DOG LITERALLY PEED ON ME?

I now break with my list to discuss my actions immediately following 12:15 AM. In an effort to gather more evidence, I take Toshley outside in order to 1) See if he needs to pee and 2) Prevent any additional accidents. And guess what? My dog, the nine pound one with the very small bladder, proceeds to pee quite a bit. It certainly doesn’t seem like he emptied his bladder recently.

I head back inside and inspect the area for other possible sources of liquid. The ceiling is not leaking. I have no water or drinks anywhere near the couch. None of my clothes or possessions could have produced water.

At this point, I am beyond befuddled. I decide to wake up Kenny and inform him of the strange events that have just occurred in our living room. However, Kenny is half asleep and shows little interest in the supernatural forces at work in our apartment. Thus, I turn to my computer. The very same computer that I was scrolling through when the alleged incident occurred. I had hoped that in penning this blog post, I would begin to understand this mysterious incident more clearly. However, that is far from the case.

Therefore, I turn to you, random people of the internet who will probably never even see this post, for guidance. How did Toshley manage to pee inches away from me (multiple times, I might add) without me noticing? Or if that didn’t happen, what did?

4 Comments

  1. Natalie Reinhart

    I’m struggling to see any explanation that doesn’t involve Toshley making the wet spots, since it seems like you did a pretty thorough investigation of other sources of liquid. Is it possible that his body was wet from something else? (I.e. Water bowl, playing in the tub, etc) Or that he drank lots of water between the couch-peeing and when you took him outside? Or that dog bladders are like a Harry Potter tent situation where they hold more than you would ever guess?

    But I agree with you, such a mystery!! Can’t believe Kenny was disinterested tbh, because I just woke up in the middle of the night and clearly my instinct was to write a long comment on your blog post.

    Like

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